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Dear Girls
Cover of Dear Girls
Dear Girls
Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets & Advice for Living Your Best Life
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLERAli Wong's heartfelt and hilarious letters to her daughters (the two she put to work while they were still in utero) cover everything they need to know in life, like the...
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLERAli Wong's heartfelt and hilarious letters to her daughters (the two she put to work while they were still in utero) cover everything they need to know in life, like the...
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  • NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
  • Ali Wong's heartfelt and hilarious letters to her daughters (the two she put to work while they were still in utero) cover everything they need to know in life, like the unpleasant details of dating, how to be a working mom in a male-dominated profession, and how she trapped their dad.
    "Fierce, feminist, and packed with funny anecdotes."—Entertainment Weekly
    NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY Time Variety Chicago Tribune Glamour
    In her hit Netflix comedy special Baby Cobra, an eight-month pregnant Ali Wong resonated so strongly that she even became a popular Halloween costume. Wong told the world her remarkably unfiltered thoughts on marriage, sex, Asian culture, working women, and why you never see new mom comics on stage but you sure see plenty of new dads.
    The sharp insights and humor are even more personal in this completely original collection. She shares the wisdom she's learned from a life in comedy and reveals stories from her life off stage, including the brutal single life in New York (i.e. the inevitable confrontation with erectile dysfunction), reconnecting with her roots (and drinking snake blood) in Vietnam, tales of being a wild child growing up in San Francisco, and parenting war stories. Though addressed to her daughters, Ali Wong's letters are absurdly funny, surprisingly moving, and enlightening (and gross) for all.
    Praise for Dear Girls

    "[Wong] spins a volume whose pages simultaneously shock and satisfy. . . . Dear Girls is not so much a real-talk handbook as it is a myth-puncturing manifesto."—Vogue

    "[A] refreshing, hilarious, and honest account of making a career in a male-dominated field, dating, being a mom, growing up, and so much more...Yes, this book is addressed to Wong's daughters, but every reader will find nuggets of wisdom and inspiration and, most important, something to laugh at."Bustle

Excerpts-

  • From the cover Chapter 1

    How I Trapped Your Father

    Dear Girls,

    Your dad is the (if we are divorced by the time you read this, please skip to the next sentence) best, but I didn't just find him overnight. In the fall of 2009, I had been living in NYC for a year and had been unlucky when it came to love and casual sex.

    Well, let's just get right to it: I dated a series of men who had issues getting it up. It felt like a curse. Five guys in a row lost their boners in the middle of getting busy. Part of me blamed the Raynaud's disease, a condition that was passed on to me by my father. I have extremely poor circulation to my hands and feet, to the point where in the cold, they will turn blue and feel like pain icicles. So, especially in the New York fall or wintertime, my bare hands, much like the hands of Rogue from the X-Men, could suck the life out of a man's erect penis.

    After the first two guys that I hooked up with in NYC went soft on me, I grew extremely self-conscious of my White Walker fingers. By the third time I started making out with a new guy, I made sure to simultaneously warm my hands up by furiously rubbing them together and breathing into them like a homeless character in a theater production, next to a papier mâché trash-can fire.

    I felt very good about this new method and used it on a man that I met through comedy friends at a bar. He lived in Coney Island. At the time, I was staying in SoHo, so he might as well have lived in Pyongyang. It took an hour and a half to get to his place by train, but it felt like three because we were both so horny.

    He was extremely stupid. I know I've confessed that I'm no genius, but this guy had a lower back tattoo of Chinese characters, didn't know who Abraham Lincoln was (this is for real), and couldn't stop talking about how The Crow was the greatest movie ever made (it's good, however Clueless is a masterpiece). But I hadn't gotten successfully laid in so long and was very eager to flex my new technique, so I made my way to Trash Island.

    I'd thought the whole point of living far away in an outer borough was to afford yourself a nicer apartment with more space. This dude did have a queen-sized, four-poster bed, but . . . ​not in a good way. It was old and dusty and made me feel less like Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, and more like that weird sick kid in The Secret Garden who sleeps in a tunic and is allergic to the sun. He passionately threw me onto the bed, but a sudden, deafening bed creak rendered the mood DOA. I would've believed him if he'd told me that a hundred people over the past two centuries had spent their final days dying of scurvy in this rickety, termite-infested bed. His place was a shithole. But traveling to Coney Island is the New York subway ride equivalent of hiking Machu Picchu, and I'd reached the summit so I couldn't back down now.

    On the train, boat, and all the way up until I grabbed his penis, I had been consistently rubbing my hands together to keep the blood flowing. And he stayed hard. My method was sound! We were ready to move to the next level and I was finally going to pork a man I met at a bar like those bitches did in Sex and the City. But as soon as he made first contact with my vagina—which Raynaud's does not affect—his boner melted into a wet Cheeto.

    A total and oppressive silence filled the room. He didn't even apologize, offer to eat me out, or make me a sandwich, which I felt was quite rude. I wanted to go home, but I was too poor to take a cab back and it was way too late and unsafe to take the train by myself all the way back to SoHo. So I slept in this stranger's...

About the Author-

  • ALI WONG is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actress. She is a writer on the ABC show Fresh of the Boat, and her 2016 Netflix comedy special, Baby Cobra, was an immediate sensation. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two daughters.

Reviews-

  • AudioFile Magazine Ali Wong narrates her hilarious collections of essays with a spirit that will be familiar to fans of her stand-up comedy. She is upbeat, perky, and self-deprecating. The result is that she comes off as completely natural, unvarnished. Wong immerses listeners in her monologues seemingly without taking a breath. Listeners will laugh along, swept up in her anecdotes and flashbacks. Her level of intimacy will make listeners feel as if they're hearing from a friend, not listening to an audiobook by a celebrity. From recollections of her teenage years to the very real demands of balancing a career and family life, Wong's stories give listeners a range of her personal experiences and keep them laughing. M.R. � AudioFile 2019, Portland, Maine

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